Loose Cannon Page 21

  “Holy shit. You’re not...”

  Tobias went white. “No, it’s not like that.”

  “Are you—”

  “I just said no.”

  “Holy shit!” Church repeated. “You’re in love with him. Are you? You’re not. Tell me you’re not.” He squinted at Tobias’s face. “You are. How the fuck did I miss this?”

  “I’m not.” Tobias’s fingers went from being knotted together to fists. “Don’t be stupid.”

  “I’m being stupid? Are you out of your mind? Ghost? He would tear you to shreds, man. He wouldn’t have to try. And that’s if he didn’t immediately—”

  “I know—”

  “—hate you. Oh, fuck. He would, he’d hate you, and it would take exactly two seconds for him to break you and you know it. Tobias, you cannot tell him. Do you hear me? You can’t. He’d never forgive you—”

  “I know, Church.”

  “—and he would look at you the same way he looks at all those people he fucks. God, that would be...such shit. You can’t tell him—”

  “I know!” Tobias shouted, and immediately covered his mouth with one white-knuckled hand. He walked away, pacing around the edge of the parking lot for a couple minutes. Church let him, figuring he needed time to calm down, and that was fine because Church needed time to calm down too. Finally, Tobias came back and collapsed to sit on the low wall beside Church.

  “Don’t be mad,” he pleaded quietly.

  “I’m not mad,” Church replied.

  Except that he was, he was like one of those pots that his mother cooked potatoes in, the ones that got so hot that they vibrated and let off steam before they busted open. Tobias was risking them, the balance of them, and Church needed that desperately, and it would maybe be forgivable if there was a chance in hell he could get what he wanted, but it was impossible. Ghost would never love him back, never, not like that, and Tobias needed things that Ghost would die before he’d say yes to. So this ugly little secret that Tobias would never be able to keep quiet forever would ruin all of it. Church would lose them both, because Tobias would never forgive himself, and Ghost would vanish, exactly like he...

  Shit. Exactly like he already had this morning.

  Half of Church’s anger faded and the other half settled into his foundations, thick with worry.

  Pretty rich, he thought, reading him the riot act when you already ran Ghost off for both of you.

  “I know all of that,” Tobias was going on. “But it doesn’t matter, because I’m not in love with him. Not...”

  “Not what?”

  “Not the way you’re thinking. I’m...hell, I don’t know what I am. I love him, I do, but it’s friendship.” He closed his eyes. “It’s mostly friendship. I don’t understand it myself, but I need him.”

  “Tobias.”

  “Was it something I did?” His voice broke, so Church cursed and put an arm around him. When Tobias crumpled into him, Church cursed again and added the other arm to the hug for good measure. What the hell was wrong with the world that he was making better romantic decisions than Tobias?

  “No. It was me, dude. I don’t know why he kicked you loose too, but it wasn’t you.”

  Tobias’s blue eyes narrowed, and Church wished—not for the first time in his life—that his face wasn’t so easy to read. “What was it?”

  “Shit, I don’t think I should tell you.”

  “You don’t trust me?”

  “It’s not a trust thing. You’re...you’re good, Tobias.”

  “Not good enough, apparently.”

  “C’mon, that’s not—”

  “I know what you and Ghost think of me,” Tobias interrupted, storm clouds brewing in his scowl. “You think I ended up in Woodbury because my heart broke when the singing, animated birdies weren’t available one day to help me get dressed. Right?”

  “No,” Church replied, not a little guiltily, because, well, they sort of did.

  “I’m not an idiot. I know you know more than me about some things. I’m not promising I’ll agree with what you’re doing, but you can trust me.”

  “Okay, but you have to swear. You’re gonna want to do something right and noble, and you have to trust me when I say we can’t. We’re not the bad guys or anything, but—”

  “Who are you in trouble with?”

  “Hey, I am awesome,” Church retorted, a little hurt.

  “Church. I swear I’ll trust you to handle it. Just tell me, all right?”

  Church told him.

  He was still talking when Shelby pulled up in her old Toyota. He paused to return her lukewarm wave, which was a better hello than he’d expected, honestly, and picked the story back up when she disappeared inside. When he got to the part about the truck he had to explain that he’d lied to Miller, which meant backing up to explain why he’d felt like he needed to. Then he somehow confessed to the sex and the whole mess of what’d happened afterward.

  He talked for so long that he kind of wished he’d brought some water. And Tobias huddled at his side and listened to all of it.

  * * *

  “You’re killing me,” Shelby said from behind him, and Miller looked away from the window toward his sister.

  “Sorry. I’m listening.”

  Miller tried to pay attention to her rambling speech about insurance policies and the likelihood of fire, truly, but after a minute she smacked him in the arm with her folder and he realized he’d gone back to staring out the window.

  More specifically, he was staring at Church, who was sitting on the low brick wall on the other side of the broad concrete drive, the shorter guy with the curls and the big blue eyes perched beside him, practically in Church’s lap.

  Church’s arm was around him.

  Miller frowned.

  “For the love of all that is holy.” Shelby hit him again with the folder. “What is so fascinating about the parking lot that you feel the need to babysit?”

  “Nothing,” Miller said. Church leaned over, resting his head against Tobias’s shoulder. Even from here, Miller could see the soft, downturned corners of Church’s mouth. Were they talking about Ghost? About whatever Church had needed to talk to Ghost about in private this morning? Why was it something that Church couldn’t share with Miller, but had no problem sharing with Tobias?

  “Can we please get this done? I left Tiffany minding the store with my kid, and if we take much longer, they’ll have joined a rogue female biker gang by the time I get back.”

  “Sure.”

  “So we can add the place to the same policy, but we have to be careful to...”

  Miller squinted. He couldn’t tell if Tobias had his arm around Church too.

  * * *

  When he’d finished the story, Church decided he and Ghost must’ve underestimated Tobias after all, because he didn’t mention the cops. Then Tobias said, “I think Mama might’ve been telling the truth,” and Church took it back.

  “Jesus, you are innocent.”

  “It isn’t logical, Church. Look, if Vasily had messed with the truck to make you feel bad, why wouldn’t he hang around to rub it in? And the broken window came way before Vasily had reason to hate you. I think something else is going on. You need a list of suspects.”

  “It would be longer than Santa’s list of bad children,” Church said wryly. “I piss people off by breathing.”

  “Not enough that they’d dump garbage in your truck,” Tobias pointed out.

  “I can’t think of anyone I’ve made that mad besides Vasily.”

  “What about the guy you beat up?”

  “I got nailed for that already. Or did you miss the whole incarceration thing—”

  “Maybe that wasn’t enough for him.”

  “You’re saying he buste
d Miller’s window and truck because he’s still pissed off?” He rubbed at his forehead. “I mean, it doesn’t seem like enough to me either, some days, but it’s not like I’m gonna ask to spend more time in jail than I have to. I don’t know what the hell else he’d expect.”

  “Seriously? You can’t think of anything else he might want from you?”

  “I can tell you’re going somewhere with this, so you might as well get it out of your system.”

  “C’mon, Church. What are you supposed to do if you screw up?”

  “Not get caught?”

  Tobias looked at him with a mixture of fondness and exasperation. “No, doofus. You say you’re sorry.”

  Church’s stomach rolled over at the thought. Why not just offer the guy a knife and let him slash open Church’s wrists?

  “I’m not sure I’m allowed to,” Church murmured. “I mean, technically he’s my victim. He might not want me within a hundred feet of him.”

  “Maybe you could ask Chelsey. She could see if the guy minds.”

  “George,” Church said. “His name is George Kontakte. There’s nothing I could say that would make it okay.”

  Gently, Tobias bumped him with one elbow. “That’s not why people apologize, though, is it?”

  “Hell if I know.”

  “Well, if it is him, maybe saying you’re sorry will make him stop. I’ll go with you, if you want.”

  Church managed a vague sound of agreement and pressed his face hard into Tobias’s shoulder, grateful beyond words. He could hear the thump of Tobias’s heart, and the rhythm of Tobias’s breathing was familiar after months and months of sleeping in the same room even if it’d been a while since the last time it’d happened, and there was the pleasant scent of the fabric softener that Tobias’s mom put in the laundry. It was all weirdly soothing. Like family.

  He pressed his forehead to Tobias’s temple. “Fuck, man, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said any of that. About how you feel about Ghost.”

  “You’re not wrong.” Tobias cleared his throat. “He would hate me if he knew. He’d think I’d been lying this whole time, that I’d been waiting for my moment. He’d feel betrayed. You know what he’s like when he’s mad.”

  “He wouldn’t hurt you,” Church said uncertainly.

  “No, I don’t think so either.” Tobias stared off into the distance. “He’d simply disappear. I’d never see him again.”

  Neither one of them said aloud what they were both thinking. Ghost might be gone for good anyway. But Tobias was an optimist and Church was stubborn, so for now at least, the assumption was that it’d work out somehow.

  “Still sorry.” Church squeezed him. “I know what it’s like to love someone who can’t love you back.”

  “I don’t know why it won’t go away.” Tobias’s voice was small. “I’ve tried really hard not to feel this way. I know it wouldn’t work. It drives me crazy when he doesn’t answer his phone. Can you imagine if I asked him to keep me informed because I’m scared he’s going to end up knifed in an alley? He doesn’t—You know how he is. He doesn’t do the accountable thing.”

  “Yeah.”

  “When he’s nearby, it’s like everything in me hums,” Tobias admitted. “But I think a lot of it’s fear. I don’t know why I’d want someone that makes me feel so unsafe.”

  Church could identify with a lot of Tobias’s situation, but he couldn’t identify with that last bit. He understood the sort of risk Tobias meant. Church had experienced it when he’d been having occasionally terrifying sex with sadistic, crazy Whitaker back at Woodbury. It could make sex hotter, but it didn’t do shit for an actual relationship. He’d seen what it looked like when risk went south, and in the best-case scenario it only made you bleed on the inside. Safety, Church knew, was crucial, especially for someone like Tobias.

  And there was nothing about Ghost that was safe.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again.

  “Yeah. Thanks. Can we please talk about your messed-up love life instead of mine, though? So you finally slept with Miller, huh? Was it good?”

  “Good isn’t the word for it. It was like the top of my head came off. For a second I thought...” He broke off, then said more quietly, “I thought it was going to happen. Us, I mean. I thought it was going to be real and good and—” He shut himself up, because he’d seriously almost said forever, and that would’ve been way too embarrassing.

  “Aw.”

  The worst part was, that aw wasn’t sarcastic. “You’re like a seventh-grade girl, dude.”

  “I’m the seventh-grade girl?” Tobias grinned. “You’re the one who wants to write your married name on your notebook. Edgar-Allen Quinn. In bubble letters.”

  Church laughed, because only Tobias could make teasing sound so affectionate. “I don’t know how you get away with people thinking you’re nice. You’re horrible on the inside.”

  “Thank you. So why haven’t you two happened, then?”

  “Because he’s straight.”

  “He’s straight,” Tobias repeated doubtfully.

  “Yeah. He freaked, man. His head’s a mess, and he doesn’t want any of it.”

  Tobias stared at him for a minute. “Oh my God, Church, you are not this dumb.”

  * * *

  Tobias had said something, and now Church was laughing. Miller was glad, because Church should always be happy, but it sent a pang through him nonetheless. Seeing Church so loose-limbed and relaxed made Miller realize how tense Church had been lately.

  He’d heard a lot about Tobias in the past couple of months since Church left Woodbury. Church talked about him with a weird reverence that’d never bothered Miller much before, but it seemed suspicious in this context.

  “This is a little creepy,” Shelby said from directly beside him and Miller jumped.

  “What is?”

  “Standing at the window, staring at the object of your affections while he talks to another guy. It’s sort of Fatal Attraction, you know?”

  “He’s not the object of my affections,” Miller snapped, and Shelby’s eyebrows went up.

  “Obviously, what with the joking,” she said slowly. “Hey, what the hell is going on with you? You’ve been weird for weeks now. You’re so damn twitchy all the time.”

  “Nothing. I mean, I’m fine.”

  Her eyes slipped past him to the two men outside, and then back to Miller, and he hunched his shoulders, feeling hunted. He added, “We should get some work done.”

  “Is there—” She licked her lips, tilting her head to one side so her red-brown braid swung. “Mill, you’re not...”

  “Not what?” he demanded, his pulse suddenly hammering in his throat. “Not what? Of course not. Don’t be idiotic.”

  She stared at him like he was some weird bug. “You know, the way you’re acting, I’m starting to think otherwise. Hey, Mill, if you are, um, it’s—”

  “Don’t be idiotic,” he repeated. The words were so harsh they made his throat hurt. “He has some questionable friends, and I’m keeping an eye out, that’s all.”

  Shelby took a breath, still watching him, before peering around his shoulder. “Um, Church is definitely the questionable one in that pairing. Church is the questionable one in any pairing.”

  “Jesus, are you ever going to get off his back?” Too late, he realized there’d been a teasing lilt to her voice.

  She stepped away, stung. “Wow. I’m not sure how I got you from zero to pissed off so damn fast, but I’m sorry.”

  He swallowed and looked away. He wasn’t mad, he was—frustrated was probably a better word, and it made sense given the stress of the workshop and the truck and Church being all...around and everything, but he had no right to take it out on her.

  “No, that’s...shit. My fault, Shel. I’m having
a bad day. Sorry.”

  “That’s it? You sure?”

  “Yeah. Go on about the insurance.”

  She seemed doubtful, but she went back to the table and bent over the pages once more. “Okay, the policy has to include at least a basic fire clause, but if you’re going to be storing really flammable liquids...”

  Church was laughing, and Tobias was smiling at him. Like he was glad he could make Church laugh.

  It wasn’t hard to make Church laugh, Miller wanted to tell Tobias. Church laughed at completely juvenile things sometimes. Anyone could make Church laugh. It wasn’t anything to be proud of.

  “Are you kidding me?” Shelby asked, throwing her pen at him.

  “What?” he asked. “God, you’re a pain in the butt today.”

  She glared at him.

  * * *

  “He’s not straight,” Tobias said for the third time, rolling his eyes. “Honestly, I can’t believe you and Ghost think I’m the one with my head in the clouds.”

  “He hasn’t done a single thing that would point to his liking dick.”

  “You mean since he had sex with another man?” Tobias asked. “Because if you go by the slippery Kinsey slope, that eliminates one-hundred-percent-straight as an option right there.”

  “The slippery what slope? Maybe Miller was experimenting.”

  “People open-minded enough to experiment don’t freak out the way he did.”

  “You think?” Church asked.

  Tobias sighed. “If Miller had sex with a man, even once, it’s because on some level he wanted to. The fact that he’s all up in his head about it now doesn’t necessarily mean he’s straight. It means he wishes he was straight. But you must already know that, Church, and not just because I’ve said it so many times now. Why are you arguing against it?”

  “I don’t know.” Church’s voice wanted to shrink, but Tobias’s gaze held such steady concern that he continued anyway. “Maybe because if he’s gay or bi and he still doesn’t want me...”

  “Yeah.” Tobias made a rueful face. “I wish I could help, but I don’t think either of us can do anything about that one.” He tipped his head thoughtfully to one side. “But I don’t think he would’ve let sex happen if he wasn’t attracted to you, Church. He obviously cares about you.”